beach party, movies, summer

Summer Movie Blogathon: “Muscle Beach Party”

(Note: I’m thrilled to be writing this post as a part of Chris Sturhann’s “Summer Movie Blogathon” on his Blog of the Darned https://chrissturhann.blogspot.ca/)

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I discovered the Beach Boys when I was 12 years old. Soon I began to grow enamored of mid-century Southern Californian culture in it’s entirety. This quickly and obviously led me to the “beach party” movies, especially those produced by American International Studios in the early-to-mid 1960’s. The first film I discovered in this genre was 1964’s “Muscle Beach Party”. On a personal note, I had taped it off TV when it was broadcast on the late, late show on CITY TV in Toronto where I grew up. It was part of their line-up of “Not So Great Movies”. You often hear people say ‘I’ve watched that movie 100 times!’. While I may not have seen “Muscle Beach Party” 100 times, I must’ve watched that video tape dozens of times.

“Muscle Beach Party” was released in March of 1964. It was the second in American International’s “beach party” movie series which began the previous year with “Beach Party”. This second film also features the most unlikely looking beach types in Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello as Frankie and Dee Dee. Also returning are John Ashley, Dick Dale and His Del-Tones, Morey Amsterdam, Jody McCrea and many of the “beach party” guys and girls. The film opens with three car loads of kids beginning some vacation time on the beach at Malibu. Frankie and Dee Dee are the leaders of this troupe but early on we see a hint a trouble as Dee Dee seems to be withholding affection from Frank.

Muscle Beach Party frame grabs (34)

It’s Easter vacation and the gang is heading to Malibu where they’ve rented a house on the beach. Morning finds them hitting the surf and discovering a yacht anchored just offshore. Relaxing on the beach, Frankie talks to Dee Dee about some of his dreams. He loves being free to surf and feels like there is an ’80 foot wave’ out there just waiting for him. A gym full of muscle men has set up shop next to the kids’ house lead by ‘trainer’ Jack Fanny. The kids watch the men doing their morning exercises and heckle and mock them. Out on the yacht, “Bella Contessa”, we meet S.Z. Matts who is the business manager and traveling companion of the very rich Julie Giatta-Borgini. Julie has dragged S.Z. to this neck of the woods in her desire to “buy” Flex Martian, the head muscle man, whom she has fallen in love with while looking at his picture in a magazine. She heads to the beach for a look at Flex and the other muscle men and takes Flex back to the yacht for lunch. Next we see Frankie and Dee Dee stealing away for some alone time by the fire on the beach. Instead of reverie, the discussion gets heated. Dee Dee wants Frankie to grow up, settle down and accept responsibility. Frankie, of course, bristles, declaring he wants no strings. He asks nothing of the world and only takes what’s free: sun, sky, beach and ocean. Back at the muscle house, S.Z.’s assistant, Theodore, continues to negotiate the purchase of the muscle men with Jack Fanny. Jack seems reluctant. When Julie and S.Z. return with Flex, they find that there are still some details to hammer out. Bored with such details, Julie decides to walk on the beach. She overhears Frankie sing a song and kisses him, smitten. This is witnessed by Dee Dee and the two girls trade barbs. Frankie gets slapped and Dee Dee storms off. Meanwhile, S.Z. and Jack have concluded their deal. S.Z. tells Julie the good news but now she says she doesn’t want Flex and Co. She’s in love with Frankie! When Jack, Flex and the muscle men find out they have been jilted, they are none too happy. Later, the kids are hooting at Cappy’s while Dick Dale entertains. Frankie and Dee Dee are trying to patch things up when Julie comes in asking Frankie to sing. Dee Dee sits down in a huff and Julie records Frankie’s song, telling him she’s going to make him a recording star. This infuriates Dee Dee but before she can punch Julie out the muscle men barge in. Jack Fanny declares war on the surfers in order to restore his and Flex’s honour. Before the fists can fly, Deadhead announces that the surf is up and the gang splits. That night, the kids further mock the muscle men and Jack Fanny commits himself to destroying them. Later, in a significant scene on the beach at night, Frankie discusses with Julie whether or not they would be right for each other. Frankie says he’s got paradise right here, right now. Julie tells him he can have all of that and more if he goes away with her. Frankie realizes that Julie and her plans for him are the 80 foot wave he had talked about earlier. This is his dream supposedly coming true. Frankie meets the gang on the beach saying they can all come with him on his adventure. The gang, however, is not having it. They are happy where they are. Thanks but no thanks. Julie and S.Z. run into Dee Dee. Julie explains that Frankie and her are going away together. Dee Dee says that is fine. She is angry but wants Frankie to be happy. Dee Dee storms off and S.Z. wonders aloud if Julie has done the right thing, taking Frankie away. Julie gets upset and asks why can’t she have what these kids have just because she has money. S.Z. wisely suggests that’s it’s a case of “people for people” and that Julie and Frankie don’t fit together. Frankie arrives and begins to pack. S.Z. takes matters into his own hands explaining how Frankie will live off Julie and be “kept”, describing in harsh terms how things will be. Frankie has second thoughts and takes off. S.Z. explains himself to Julie by telling her he was trying to save Frankie and Dee Dee from broken hearts. Frankie runs down to Cappy’s to apologize to Dee Dee and explain to the gang that he was dazzled by Julie’s promises but now he’s come to his senses and realizes that his paradise, his 80 foot wave, is right here with Dee Dee and his friends. Julie arrives to hear the end of his speech and tells Frankie she understands and all is cool. Until the muscle men come in and a ridiculous brawl ensues. The surfers survive the rumble, watch as Julie’s yacht sails away and party the night away on the beach!

Muscle Beach Party lobby card

The first sequel to “Beach Party” (1963) is probably the best of all the ‘beach party’ movies. Perhaps it’s the absence of Harvey Lembeck as the excessively imbecilic Eric Von Zipper that elevates this film. Certainly the cast is the best of the series. In the previous film, Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello were billed 3rd and 4th behind ‘mature’ leads Bob Cummings and Dorothy Malone but in this second installment they take top billing and center stage. Frankie and Annette may not look like typical Californians but they carry off the roles well. Avalon definitely had personality and he handles the humourous material naturally. When he is called upon to play it serious or angry, he’s also very convincing. When you think about it, for a guy who’s legacy may be lightweight, he sure had a fair amount of acting – and singing – ability. Annette is pretty and bubbly and you can easily buy her as the girl who is planning for the future and encouraging her man to do the same. One thing about American International; they seemed to be able to attract pretty female talent. Case in point is Luciana Paluzzi as the Contessa. The Italian Paluzzi – still with us at 80 – is possibly best known for portraying SPECTRE assassin Fiona Volpe in “Thunderball”. She also appeared in “Return to Peyton Place”. John Ashley returns as Johnny (formerly Ken). Small and dark like Avalon, Ashley comes off well as a teen-aged surf bum. He later married “Gidget Goes Hawaiian” actress Deborah Whalley. In the ’80’s, he produced the television show “The A-Team” and provided the narration over the opening credits. Don Rickles appears as trainer Jack Fanny. Rickles is exactly how you’d like him to be – delightfully zany. Jody McCrea plays Deadhead. McCrea – son of Joel McCrea – obviously knows what he is doing onscreen despite getting stuck playing the moron. He is also exactly in the type of shape guys wanted to be in, maybe even more so than the bodybuilders. Dick Dale is actually a straight-up guitar legend. His rep is so huge that it actually suffers from being in these “beach party” movies. His music in the films is not his own and nowhere near indicative of his virtuoso playing. Here he’s cool, though. Virile. Candy Johnson and her crazy dancing? I’m sorry. Terrible. Real life bodybuilder Peter Lupus appears as “Mr. Galaxy – Flex Martian”. Lupus is billed here as “Rock Stevens”, as he was in the many ‘sword and sandal’ films he made in the 1960’s. He is given idiotic lines and doesn’t particularly shine in delivering them but it’s all good. We give Peter a pass because of his work in the television series “Mission: Impossible”, where he shone delivering few lines but effectively portraying the team’s ‘muscle’. Valora Noland and Delores Wells deserve special mention. Fresh-faced and attractive, it’s fun to watch them as they decorate every scene they are in. It is difficult to find any info on the internet about Noland but Wells was a prominent Playboy model in the early ’60’s. Singer Donna Loren doesn’t have any lines and only duets with Dick Dale on one mediocre song so there’s not much to say about her in this film. But she turns in a great performance singing “It Only Hurts When I Cry” in “Beach Blanket Bingo” and had a wonderful voice but a decidedly unsuccessful singing career. She is still thriving in the fashion industry in Hawaii. Morey Amsterdam is loony as Cappy, owner of the kid’s hangout. He was funnier in “Beach Party”. Curiously, Buddy Hackett has a low billing in this film. He is great as the oddly named “S.Z. Matts” and while here he is much less manic than he usually is, he is obviously in control, understands his character – such as he is – and plays him well. Little Stevie Wonder actually sings a song. 13 years old at the time, Stevie here puts me in mind of James Brown in American International’s ‘winter beach party’, “Ski Party”: a whole lot of soul in an extremely white environment. Don’t think Stevie built his rep on having been in “Muscle Beach Party”. Keep an eye out for future “Grizzly Adams”, the late Dan Haggerty as one of the muscle men, cutey Amadee Chabot as one of Jack Fanny’s assistants and Peter Lorre, in his last film, as the silent partner, Mr. Strangdour, the strongest man in the world. I take the time to go over the cast because I think each of the above is worth pointing out. It’s actually a great cast with everyone playing their parts well. It’s interesting to me to note that seemingly everybody in this type of film went on to make either terrible movies, terrible movies in Europe or no movies. Ever seen John Ashley in “Black Mamba”? Or Valora Noland in…like..nothing? But the thing is – that’s OK. We love these actors in these roles. They become our friends. We become one of the gang.

MBP frame grabs (13)

“Muscle Beach Party” was filmed in part at Paradise Cove in Malibu. The location now is the Paradise Cove Beach Cafe. They have an excellent website (http://www.paradisecovemalibu.com/) and a really good social media presence. Nice to know that you can plan a trip to the actual place where this and other films were made. It’s also great while you watch this movie to look around in the background and see what the land and homes were like at the time. The painting used over the opening credits I call the “Muscle Beach Mural”. It was painted by cartoonist Mike Dormer, whose surfer cartoon character “Hot Curl” can be seen on sweaters throughout the film. I’d kill for one of those sweaters and certainly for the mural. Dormer also created the children’s show “Shrimpenstein” who was a miniature Frankenstein’s monster that was created when his creator dropped a bag of jelly beans in his monster machine. Apparently Frank Sinatra and the boys never missed an episode. Dr. Pepper was prominently placed in the film, which was why Donna Loren appeared to sing a song; she was the “Dr. Pepper Girl” and sang in their commercials. Legendary Beach Boy, Brian Wilson – genius behind the band’s music – co-wrote six songs for the film. With frequent co-writers Roger Christian and Gary Usher, Wilson penned the excellent opener “Surfer’s Holiday” sung by Frankie and Annette and the equally good “Runnin’ Wild” that Frank sings in Cappy’s. Although American International did not capitalize by issuing a soundtrack LP, Frankie Avalon did sing these two songs and others on his album “Muscle Beach Party and Other Movie Songs” on United Artists Records. A quality recording, the first side features songs from the “beach party” movies and side two showcases Avalon’s great voice on songs from other popular films.

Frankie LP

Here’s the thing about this film. Of all the “beach party” movies – including movies in the same vein made by other studios – “Muscle Beach Party” is really the only one that has a script with any merit. I’m referring mainly to the Frankie-Dee Dee-Julie storyline. Early in the film, we see Frankie on the beach talking to Dee Dee. Keep in mind how old these kids are. We are never told specifically but I think it’s safe to assume they all are at the ‘pivot point’ in life – the time when you begin to turn away from your childhood and look forward to being an adult and assuming your role in society. I’ve always felt strongly about this point in life. It is heavy. It is rife with storylines about how well or how poorly people make the transition. I think of John Milner in the great coming-of-age film “American Graffiti”. In that film, it is said of him “y’wanna be like John?! You can’t stay 17 forever”. In our film, Frankie is dreaming out loud on the beach, sharing part of himself with Dee Dee, his girlfriend. “I think about it sometimes”, he says, “out there, way beyond that white boat, there’s a wave building…maybe it’s 80 feet”. Avalon does well getting the viewer to realize that this is his dream in life – maybe not exactly an 80 foot wave but he has dreams of fun, adventure and accomplishment for his life. The more realistic Dee Dee gently shoots him down saying that that wave is in his head. Even a seagull has to come down once in a while. Frankie disgustedly shakes his head: “Girls don’t fly!”. Later, again on the beach, Frankie and Dee Dee have an argument. Dee Dee again encourages Frankie to start making his life count for something. Sidebar: I own the novelization of “Muscle Beach Party” that came out slightly before the film. It’s written by Elsie Lee, a female author, who punches up the idea that Dee Dee is, of course, the more mature of the two. She is – step by step – making Frankie into the man she wants him to be – the man she knows he CAN be. She uses subtle feminine wisdom to get him to begin to be ready to assume responsibility and be an adult. And – most importantly, a husband. Back on the beach, Frankie counters with the simple fact that he is happy. He’s living the way he wants to live. He says that Dee Dee is starting to sound like a wife. He expresses his desire to avoid “time-payment city…being in hock, working 8 to 5”. Dee Dee comes back with the fact that they could have a nice home and fill it with kids. Then Frankie delivers a classic line: “Look, this beach is free and the sky goes straight on up and your life is your own. Now, isn’t that enough?” No, it isn’t, Dee Dee answers. All you do is take, she says. I only take what’s free, Frankie answers. It’s actually a really well written scene and one that virtually everyone can relate to. Women will smile knowingly and think of how much more grounded and sensible – and, let’s face it, more right – they are. Guys will remember their youthful freedom and how reluctant they were to give it up and face reality. In the midst of all this hassle with Dee Dee, in comes Julie, the Contessa who is gorgeous and filthy rich. She takes a shine to Frankie. Later comes the important scene I alluded to in the synopsis. It’s night and Frankie and Julie are on the beach. When Frankie asks Julie “where do you go on that big, white boat?”, Julie talks about all the wonderful places she can take him. He asks about surf and she replies “the riders look like gods skimming the crest of the waves”. Frankie looks off into the distance and it hits him: “it’s an 80 foot wave”. He realizes that Julie is handing him everything he’s ever wanted. It’s a dream come true and Frank is all in. Until S.Z. shines a bit of light on the realities of “life with La Contessa”. Frank’s second thoughts lead him to a realization. Frankie realizes that he is already living his dream life. He loves Dee Dee. He loves being leader of the gang. He loves his life: living, working, saving for holidays like this and dreaming. Taking him away from all that is not a dream come true. He has been asked a question that is seemingly easy to answer: what is your perception of paradise? I have a special place in my heart for this idea as it formed the basis of the novel I started writing in my early 20’s and have yet to finish (20+ years later).

Let’s get one thing straight: I understand that most surf movies (except “Big Wednesday”) are lame. I know how none of them accurately depicted true surf culture and how “Gidget” resulted in the glutting of Malibu, ruining it for real surfers. And I know that the American International pictures in particular are goofy and kind of dumb. I’m not suggesting that the Academy take another look at these films. They are guilty pleasures, I always say. I’m a fan not a critic. And what I am saying is that these films are really enjoyable if only as snapshots of a wonderful time in American history. The location shooting, some of the things you see in the background or the furnishings in the beach houses, the cars all combine to make these films delightful especially to those of us immersed in mid-century culture. “Muscle Beach Party” is a great example of one of these films. Films I like to call “delightfully ridiculous”.

Muscle Beach Party

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Spotlight on…Gidget

“Wait’ll you see my Gidget. You’ll want her for your valentine.”

– Johnny Tillotson

“Gidget” is a person, a novel, a film, a film franchise, a song, a television show and a cultural phenomenon. In 1957, Frederick Kohner, an Austrian-born Jew working as a screenwriter, wrote a novel based on the beach adventures of his under-sized, surf-obsessed daughter, Kathy. The nickname the boys at the beach gave her served as the title: “Gidget”. Half-girl, half midget. The tale depicted in the novel and subsequent film is basically true: Kathy was a petite, young girl who, at an impressionable time in her life, fell in love with the beach and surfing. An outgoing tomboy, she attached herself to a group of surfer boys at Malibu at a time when surfing was still an obsessive pursuit enjoyed by few. A niche next to the Malibu Pier housed a small, dedicated colony of young surfers, many of whom went on to become legendary in the sport and/or the industry.

The novel was an instant success. So much so that it largely contributed to a boom in surfing that began in the late 1950’s. Soon, many hardcore surfers were lamenting the increase in crowds at surf spots up and down the West Coast. Kohner eventually wrote five sequels to his first novel although they were not successful. The little known fact that they were written at all is no more than an eyebrow-raising bit of trivia. He also novelized the two subsequent film sequels and these have become collectible items of the genre.

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The film “Gidget”, released by Columbia in 1959, is landmark in a way that few films can be landmark. It was truly a first: Hollywood’s first surf movie. Putting “Hollywood” and “surfing” together is anathema to any true, self-respecting surfer. Real surfers bemoan the release of “Gidget”, and blame it for exploiting their wave-riding lifestyle and causing a glut of “hodads” and “gremmies” (wannabes) on any and all beaches where there were breaking waves. The Beach Boys and American International’s “beach party” movies soon followed. Gidget and a true phenomenon was born. Surfers have long been hostile to an industry that depicts them as Spicoli-types: stoned vagrants who contribute zero but instead leech off society. They point to films like “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” and “Point Break” as failures in Hollywood’s attempt  to portray the surfing lifestyle. But this is no fault of “Gidget”‘s. The 1959 film is truly engaging. It made stars of Sandra Dee and James Darren, boasted a cast of notables such as Cliff Robertson in the iconic role of Kahuna, Arthur O’Connell, Yvonne Craig, Joby Baker and Tom Laughlin. More than just a surfing movie, it is a delightful slice of life circa 1959. Suburban homes, front yards, living rooms, Saturday nights. A lovely time capsule. The beach scenes are also great images of the summertime living of the era. The requisite burger stand sits atop the hill. Beach goers descend and come upon the surfer’s enclave: Stinky’s surfboard ‘shaping bay’ sits next to the Kahuna’s shack. Inside is all you’d ever need: exotic pictures on the wall, cot, chair and hot plate with coffee pot. Outside, the boys loiter, waiting for surf. Reclining in a hammock, playing chess, plinking on a ukulele or beating a drum. With these indelible images, you could watch with the sound down and still be enthralled.

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The “Malibu” scenes were actually shot 20 miles up the highway at Leo Carillo State Beach (which is a wonderful aside for us classic movie fans. Leo Carillo was a wonderful Spanish actor in many old films. In later life, his work as a preservationist was honored with this beach and state park being named after him. Fitting, too, that many films were shot here, including the aforementioned “Point Break”). The sequels, as most sequels do, decline in quality. “Gidget Goes Hawaiian”, however, is another delightful film with many things to recommend it. Sandra Dee is absent and in her place is Deborah Walley, on whom the jury is still out. She is sprightly, bubbly and good at handling this material but at the same time she can be hammy and irritating. Watching with hindsight though you can keep in mind her performances in “Beach Blanket Bingo” and “Spinout”. James Darren returns as Monndoggie as does Joby Baker albeit as a different character. This excellent cast is rounded out by pretty Vicki Trickett, Michael Callan, Carl Reiner as Gidget’s dad and the actress JEFF Donnell (Jeff?) as the mom. The script is pleasant and deals with the damage loose talk can do to a girl’s reputation. Not much to say about “Gidget Goes to Rome”. James Darren is, as always, reliable as he completes the trilogy as Moondoggie. The bland Cindy Carol becomes Gidget #3. Interesting note: Don Porter appears as Gidget’s father. He would return to the role on the small screen. Caesare Danova (“Viva Las Vegas”) and Danielle De Metz provide the Roman eye candy. Not much surf in Rome, though, so this film is OK but maybe not as a vehicle for the beach bunny Gidget.

Music from movies doesn’t have to be good. I can enjoy it simply because it puts me in mind of the films I love. It so happens, though, that the songs spawned by the films are pretty good. The first film featured an appearance and two songs from the Four Preps, a collegiate-type vocal group that featured Glen A. Larson who would become a heavyweight TV producer in the ’80’s (“Magnum, P.I.”, “Knight Rider”). They sang the delightful title track over the opening credits. James Darren also had a crack at it in the beach shack. The Four Preps added “Cinderella” and Darren the excellent “The Next Best Thing to Love”. “Gidget Goes Hawaiian” was a snappy song done well by Darren and in an instrumental version by Duane Eddy.

The small screen featured several incarnations of “Gidget”, however none of the actresses chosen to play the role are notable in any way; except the fact that they once played Gidget. Television’s first Gidget, however, was played by fresh-faced, 18-year-old Sally Field. The series is delightful and features many changes from the films. The series begins where the first film left off: Moondoggie is heading back to Princeton and Gidget is sweating the thought of their separation. The differences between series and films are many. First off, Moondoggie (played blandly by Stephen Mines) does not feature in the events of the series. Also, suddenly Gidget’s mom has died and Professor Lawrence is raising Gidget on his own. Gidget’s sister and her husband are always throwing in their two cents where Gidget’s rearing is concerned. Gidget’s best friend, Larue, plays Ethel to Gidget’s Lucy. It’s interesting to watch the show and see that a lot of it revolves around how father and daughter relate to each. Their relationship is clearly defined and it’s charming to see how they love each other and form a partnership and navigate adolescence. I have to think that this abbreviated family was a rare depiction on television of the day. The most significant thing about the series is this: here we have a character who is synonymous with a beach lifestyle and the freedom that comes with summer but we’re seeing her IN SCHOOL. The “Gidget” series serves as a bridge between the frivolity of the “beach party” movies and real life: school, homework, week nights. With the series we get that great post-Labour Day salve. We’re all back to school and so is Gidget. Bottom line: Sally Field is effervescent and delightful to watch. The show did poorly in its first season but began to pick up and showed a big following with summer reruns. The network, however, had already cancelled it and that was that.

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Gidget as ‘phenomenon’ has been with us for almost 60 years. It’s cool, by the way, that the word ‘gidget’ was simply invented by a bunch of regular joes hanging out at the beach. “Gidget” has come to refer to any light, bouncy and young beach girl. It’s used as the name of a cute camper trailer and some girl rocker. Gidget is also a feminist icon. Women might disagree owing to her perceived airheadedness. But Gidget was a vivacious young woman who took life by the horns, had a positive attitude and was sure there was nothing she couldn’t do. She had unapologetic fun and endeavored to help those around her. Not to mention the obvious fact that she was a proponent of athleticism and an outdoor lifestyle. Coolest of all though is that it’s a homegrown phenomenon. Kathy Kohner Zuckerman was a real girl, nicknamed by friends, immortalized in her father’s book. Novels, films, television, cultural phenomenon, feminist icon, cutie. Quite a girl.

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The Downside to a Vivid Imagination

I’ve always had a vivid imagination. I can’t really say where it came from. One of the earliest memories I can recall was when I was about seven years old and still living in Downsview. I was a big “Happy Days” fan and owned the record “Fonzie’s Favorites”. The B side featured romantic doo-wop songs and I remember listening late at night with a single lamp on, suffusing the room with dim, red light. I recall taking in every lyric on that record, every word coming to life as I pictured the guy looking up at his girlfriend’s window, seeing her with another guy only to realize he’s on the wrong street. Guys wishing in the starry night and girls wondering what it’ll take to get their boys back. Thing is it was so vivid. Reality was gone and imagination took over.

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As I grew older, there came to be so many more similar examples of me ‘connecting’ with an album or a TV show, book or movie. Even when I knew a particular film was lousy, if I ‘got something’ from it, if it ‘took me somewhere’, then I liked it.

Then it began to spread to many different things and I soon discovered the downside. Now, some people with little or no imagination simply don’t know any better. They’re not fascinated by the furniture in the room in a film from the 1940’s or golf being played in the Swiss Alps or the way that song goes up a key and actually sounds like late afternoon sunshine feels. They don’t think they can actually smell the coffee and beans at a campfire in a Western or the cigarette smoke in a Harlem jazz club in the early ’50’s when they listen to John Coltrane. These people are, of course, normal. They go to work five, sometimes six or seven days a week. On days off, they drink beer in their basements or backyards. They watch hockey, UFC, WWE, gridiron football. Their only dream, really, is not having to work anymore. If they had a vivid imagination, they would know what an array of kicks are available cheap to the average Joe.

Then there’s me. My imagination has opened up interests for me in a number of different areas. The downside? There’s simply not enough time. Trying to ‘keep track’ of all the things I’m into is hard work. I could easily spend ALL my time doing any number of things. SO MANY things fascinate me.

I could be “Travel Guy”: subscribe to National Geographic, save every dime I could for travel, get a map of the world tattooed on my back. I could EASILY devote all my time to learning new languages, cook food from around the world and just be a nomad; either travelling somewhere or planning to.

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I could be “Classic Movie Guy”: connecting with my Twitter friends with #TCMParty has shown me that there are many people who devote their lives to classic film. I could EASILY watch nothing but Turner Classic Movies or movies on DVD, collecting even more obsessively than I do now. Join and follow sites/blogs/groups on the internet and basically just live in black and white. I love this world. I could live there 24/7. No sweat.

I could be “Sailor Guy”: I could immerse myself in all the classic literature of the sea. Watch only pirate and nautical-themed movies. Study ships of the past, eat fish, smoke a pipe. Learn how to tie all the knots. Move to Alcona, buy a boat, fish all the time. I could EASILY spend all my time. learning about life lived by the sea. I really feel like this guy every year when we go to Ponce Inlet, FLA.

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I could be “Oldies Guy”: nothing but the music of the ’50’s and early ’60’s. Pile my hair high in a pompadour (as I used to), wear blue jeans and motorcycle boots (as I used to). Go to car shows and Fifties dances. Again, the internet – upload songs to YouTube, talk about them with others, join discussion groups and get newsletters. Collect rare 45s. I could just doo-wop myself to death.

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I could be “Car Guy”: I watch the guys at the car shows. Talking about 325’s and positraction. Their hands are always dirty. I could tinker with some heap in the backyard. Buy a ’59 Impala and wipe it all the time. Wear coveralls with black, hi-cut, canvas Converse and a red bandanna hanging out of the back pocket. EASILY.

I could be “Surfer Guy”: Hawaiian shirts, t-shirts, shorts, slaps, bare feet. Move to the water and spend all my time in it. Ukulele and campfires. ‘Surfer’ Magazine, surf music, coconut water. There’s days worth of surfing footage/films to watch on YouTube. Follow nothing but World Surf League and watch all the events online. Grow dreadlocks and call everyone ‘brah’. A life of NOTHING but sun and water.

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I could be a “Jazzbo”: grow a goatee, speak ‘hip’, take up smoking again. Listen to nothing but Miles, Trane and Dizzy. Listen to and support Jazz FM91. Dress in Kangol hats and dark clothes. There is such a cool, unpretentious detachment to the jazz world that has always appealed to me.  In high school, for a co-op, I was host of “Jazz International” on a community radio station in Waterloo. Particularly in the autumn, this world is very appealing.

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I could be a “Cowboy”: there is such a significant history inherent in Western living. There is such a hearty, honest, hard-working quality to the Cowboy Way. The camaraderie that can exist between a person and a horse, the campfire, the stars at night, the rope and leather. I’d love to grow a big, ol’ Sam Elliott mustache and listen to nothing but classic country. Even new country music adds to the aura with it’s songs of difficult relationships, hard-working good, ol’ boys, God and the Bible still a part of life, memories of mama and daddy and how they raised their children. Poking around a TSC Store always makes me feel that I could EASILY live as ‘rural guy’.

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I could be “Elvis Guy”: ‘Elvis World’ is so diverse it’s easy to spend all your time there. A lot of people that do, though, can become a little creepy. My man appeals to me in such a way and there is so much to his story that I can totally see how people can focus on him to the exclusion of all others. This makes me think of the times I’ve visited various forums or chat groups devoted to one artist. You see people that are so dialed in to the one group or singer/actor that they love that the spend ALL their time and effort reading about, learning about and talking about just one thing. I can’t do that but I often think I could with Presley. Just listen, watch, read, collect, share, learn, study nothing but EP.

I could be “Sports Guy”: this is a post in itself. When my sons were little I decided we should follow hockey. I had a strong dislike, though, for all the hating that went on between the fans of rival teams. I told my boys ‘we’re going to follow hockey but we’re not going to hate – or love, for that matter – any specific team’. I carried the same mentality over into English Football when I started watching. A friend of mine – a hardcore footy fan from way back – became enraged with me and told me it was not allowed to like ALL the teams. You’ve got to pick one, love it and despise their rivals! So, now I can say I love my teams and hate their rivals. Particularly when we are in the middle of a season, I love to focus all my attention on my teams: read articles on how they’re doing, listen to podcasts, collect jerseys, learn about their history and basically just live and die with their fortunes. I feel like I can’t be ‘all in’ in this though mainly because I hate to debate. I can’t stand it when I hear someone disparaging another team. I always think if you love your team then you love your team even if they are the worst in the league. That is even the essence of loving a team – you love them not based on their performance but on where you live or simply because they’re your team. I could EASILY abandon everything else and just follow my teams. In this day and age there is no shortage of info, stories, interviews and highlights to watch. It can be a full-time job, one I think sometimes I could do.

I could even be “MCM Guy”: in the last year or so, my interest in all things ‘Mid-Century Modern’ has peaked. This world is one of everything that was popular or cool in the 1950’s and ’60’s. The term actually applies to architecture and home furnishings but all areas of media and culture could be included. As far back as my pre-teens, I’ve always said I could wear some variation of a suit every day. When I got a job at McDonalds, my mom said ‘at least now you can wear a tie to work!’. It was a green polyester clip-on and always had food on it. I still lament the fact that you can’t go out in ties or cardigans without getting looked at strangely. I love the era when if a man was going to dig a ditch he’d ‘dress down’ to a pair of casual slacks and a sports shirt. I’ve had times in my life when every day I dressed like Ward Cleaver. When my oldest son was born I vowed he’d never wear a pair of jeans – “What is he? A Hobo!?”. There are many places online you can go to immerse yourself in the ‘cocktail nation’, the tiki and lounge scene. When I’m listening to Les Baxter and watching “Mad Men” this role seems the one I’m best suited to. But then of course that clashes with the guy that wants to wear an eye patch or flip flops or cowboy boots. See what I’m getting at?

So, you see? It’s problem. But it’s a great problem to have. It’s a problem because, for example, I won’t listen to oldies for a long time and then I’ll overhear one somewhere and I’ll say to myself ‘oh, I love that song. I must listen to oldies again. What’s wrong with me!? I love oldies! Why have I not listened to them in so long?!’. Well, buddy, it’s because you’ve been listening to jazz, or Elvis or cowboy music and it’s then that I’ll get frustrated and wish I didn’t love so many different things. There’s so much cool stuff  that grabs my attention that it’s hard to devote much time to any one thing. What ends up happening actually is I’ll listen to certain types of music and watch certain movies or certain types of books at certain times of year. Some things I seem to enjoy more at specific times of year. But it’s great, too. I’ve never been one to worry or feel stress and one of the main reasons is that I’m constantly off in some land. I simply don’t worry about many things in life because I’m too busy listening to Koop Kooper and “The Cocktail Nation” or watching “Emergency!”. In the end it’s like the Temptations said: “I’m doing fine up here on cloud 9”.

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